nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
