so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
