She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
