So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
