Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
