I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
