I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
