Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
