Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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