we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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