First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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