I could have mohawked her pubes.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
