Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
