coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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