This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
