Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
