Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
