bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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