i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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