it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
