I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
