Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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