one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
