I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
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On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
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Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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