why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
