Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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