Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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