wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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