If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
