Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
