Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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