i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
