I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
