I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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