I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i was born a porn star she said
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
