If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
high people should be assigned attendants
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
