I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
