i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
