Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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