Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
