I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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