My hand turned me down
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you win again, gameday.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
