Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
