remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
the liver wants what the liver wants
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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