Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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