found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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