the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
