he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
