My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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