I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
