based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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