mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
