where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
