So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
