grandma shit on top of the toilet
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
