He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
