He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
