I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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