the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
