guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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